Hi, everyone. I just looked and the most recent post was this past April. I’m surprised it’s that recent. I thought I’d gone much longer.
So, four months. Just about exactly.
A lot has happened in that four months. I strive not to get as much into my personal nonsense here as I used to, but what the hell.
After a decades-long history of type 2 diabetes and most of a decade’s worth of steadily progressing kidney failure, my father wound up on dialysis this past year. I don’t remember exactly when, and it may not have been for a full year — probably wasn’t. I want to say I remember being told he’d gone on it after I got the hotel job, and that hasn’t been a year ago yet. But something like that.
I had always assumed dialysis made a person feel better, like the way a blood transfusion makes you feel like a new person when you’ve been extremely anemic. Turns out I was wrong. In fact, it left Dad in pain and feeling sick every time he had to have it. He had to have it three times a week. Dad got fed up and basically told them to fuck off, because he was done.
I was informed of this in late May this year. My paternal half-brother contacted me, frantic, wanting to know how much time he had left. I looked it up. Anywhere from a week to a month depending on what else was going on with the patient healthwise.
Dad lasted maybe a week and a half. He passed away June 5.
We always locked horns sooner or later, both because in some ways we were too fucking much alike and also because of the ways we were different (I sometimes wonder if I sometimes reminded him too much of my mother — no love lost between those two), but he had this thing about wanting to make sure his kids were looked after. Not to the point of spoiling us, but when there was a real need. And sometimes he would help just because he could. After I got the hotel job, for instance, he sent me money a few times. No reason given. I was already saving up part of my paychecks, and this was welcome assistance in that endeavor, since I wanted to get myself a vehicle again. I always suspected it was his way of saying “atta girl” about me being employed, especially since we never talked again after I moved out of his house. (Once when I was in my brother’s car and Doug had him on the speakerphone. But Dad went weirdly vague when he realized I was there, and it wasn’t much of a conversation.)
So I had that, and then when Dad passed, his best friend had been joint on his bank accounts for years, probably decades, so she sent me and my brother what was in the account. Then the retirement home refunded Dad’s final month with them, so we each got half of that. Dad was a military retiree and had donated his body to a medical school, and he will be interred in a veterans’ cemetery (we have made arrangements), so that’s not going to cost anything either. At that point I had several thousand dollars, between my money and Dad’s, and I asked myself why the fuck I was still putting up with the massive amounts of bullshit at work when there was still life insurance on the horizon and I could actually take the time to find something better without also being constantly stressed out and sleep-deprived. So I left the job.
The life insurance hit this past week, and I’m still kind of in shock. I didn’t one hundred percent know what it was going to be, but from the available clues I thought I knew. Turned out I was right. So I literally have starting-over money now. In fact, “I can pay deposit and also rent for an entire year and still have a lot left over” starting-over money. And all sorts of mixed feelings about it because I had to lose my father for this. Though part of the mix is that I had lost him already and this just finished up the job.
So, I’m in an interesting place right now. I’m taking my time and figuring out next steps because I don’t have to rescue my brother anymore (he also became unemployed this year, well before I did). Got a job goal to work towards, figuring out what it would take to move back to Ohio. Just not going to suddenly jump in with both feet when I don’t have to. That was how I got into this mess in the first place.
(I don’t know why I am scared of heights and things like bungee-jumping when I do the equivalent of that sort of risk-taking with other areas of my life. It’s all equally stupid, y’know.)
So, yeah. Had a lot to process.
But! Being where I am means I have a lot more unstructured time; if I end up busy it will be because I made myself busy. I get to pick, at least for the next little while. Fucking love that, too.
Could this mean I’ll actually update things here finally? I make no promises. I hate making promises. But I’d LIKE to make that happen, and this will probably be the best time for it, ever again. If I can get things the way I want them now, I can just update from there on out because the basic structure I want to work with will already be in place.
Looking forward to it. If I get it done.
Thanks for still looking in on me. I’m sure a few of you do. (I haven’t checked lately.)
…
Have you been hearing rumors for years about another Jumanji film coming out? I have, but nothing’s ever panned out. Well. There’s a new Jumanji film on the horizon!
No word yet For Absolute Sure on whether the big man will be in it. I will say it would be fucking stupid if he weren’t. Unnecessary loose end. So, here’s hoping. I really liked his Jurgen the Brutal character. Yeah, Jurgen’s an asshole, but he’s an interesting asshole. Pretty much par for the course on the sorts of villains Rory portrays. They’re never two-dimensional cardboard. There’s always something more beneath the surface.
Also, YES, I saw where he was at a convention that fundraises for cancer research, and he was doing photo ops with Thor! I’m just fucking ill that I had no way to be there. SOB. Oh well. I would have ruined the photo anyway, haha.
Well, that’s enough of my babble for now. Just wanted to say YES, I’m still here.
And… If your situation with your dad is difficult, I see you. I’m not gonna tell you to hug your dad while he’s still here. You might have very good reasons not to do it. BUT. If there is any way you can reconcile and not lose who you are? Do it. I regret a lot about mine, but I don’t regret trying. Time is very fucking short.